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"it took me about three or four weeks to toilet train my cat, nightlife. most of the time is spent moving the box very gradually to the bathroom. do it very slowly and don't confuse him." -charles mingus


"she had a chihuahua named carlos that had some kind of skin disease and was totally blind." -tom waits


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"to try to maximize the relationship of listening to a record through promotion is like experiencing driving a car by reading about stimulus programs." -bonnie 'prince' billy


"after cheesecake with all of your friends and family, who's gonna front the bill? me... say you want to take first-class trips, well i want to work those first-class hips. yes i do." -r. kelly


"we can make each other happy, or we can make each other happy." -harry nilsson


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"at a certain point phil approached me with a bottle of kosher red wine in one hand and a .45 in the other, put his arm around my shoulder and shoved the revolver into my neck and said, 'leonard, i love you.' i said, 'i hope you do, phil.'" -leonard cohen


"they’d whisper at each other and look at phil and whisper at each other. finally this lady, tanked, comes over to phil and says, 'alright, sonny, what’s your problem?' and he said, 'premature ejaculation, what’s yours?'" -tom wolfe


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"i would say groucho marx, to name one thing, and willie mays, and the second movement of the jupiter symphony, and louis armstrong’s recording of potatohead blues, swedish movies, naturally. sentimental education by flaubert, marlon brando, frank sinatra, those incredible apples and pears by cézanne, the crabs at sam wo’s, tracy’s face." -woody allen


"where have you been all my life?" -emmylou harris, to my brother tommy


"the first time i got stoned on grass was with john paul jones of led zeppelin. we'd been talking to ramblin' jack elliott somewhere and jonesy said to me, 'come over and i'll turn you on to grass.' he had a huge room with nothing in it except this huge vast hammond organ, right next door to the police." -david bowie


"tired of the tango? fed up with fandango? dance on moonbeams, slide on rainbows, in furs or blue jeans. you know what I mean." -roxy music


brian eno songs that will make good book titles for my 10-volume memoir, in order: here he comes, baby's on fire, golden hours, brutal ardour, taking tiger mountain, events in dense fog, through hollow lands, some of them are old, everything merges with the night, dead finks don’t talk


ry cooder albums that every man should own: into the purple valley, boomer's story, paradise and lunch


thelonious monk's middle name: sphere


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#1 song on the white album (tie): long long long, happiness is a warm gun


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"but chuck berry isn't merely the greatest of the rock and rollers, or rather, there's nothing mere about it. say rather that unless we can somehow recycle the concept of the great artist so that it supports chuck berry as well as it does marcel proust, we might as well trash it altogether." -robert christgau


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#800 - bonnie ‘prince’ billy - there is no god (2011)

max abelson’s super groovy music video spectacular and will “bonnie ‘prince’ billy” oldham present: the super groovy music video spectacular’s 800th video spectacular, featuring the nine best will oldham-related videos, in order:

9. i am goodbye (2009) - “birds, babies, harps, rainbows, penguins and daffodils will congregate”

8. dear old stepstone (2006) - “the marvelettes’ gladys horton died this week. she made hand claps sound like tubas”

7. kiss (2007) - throw some strings in there and maybe have will oldham dress up in a crown and skeleton costume and do some harmonies”

6. another day full of dread (1999) - just saw this for the first time today. christ.

5. lay and love (2006) - “if anyone has any good house-hunting ideas, like a free room somewhere nearby, please email”

4. no more workhorse blues (2004) - “the man has a bottle of bad bourbon where his broken heart used to be; he makes johnny cash look like a smiley lightweight.”

3. can’t tell me nothing (2008) - “a ok!”

2. there is no god (2011) - yes there is, and his last name rhymes with “told ‘em”

1. trapped in the closet, ch 15 (2007) - “mustachioed policeman.”

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#623: david wain, michael showalter, michael ian black and zach galifianakis - searching for santa (2000)

before zach galifianakis became a leading man, he was lip syncing kanye west hits with will oldham, and fiona apple gems with fiona apple. and before those majestic days he was dressing up as santa claus and making jokes about liking moesha in homemade stella sketches. merry christmas!

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#329: bonnie ‘prince’ billy - i am goodbye (2009)

at what point in a new year does enough astoundingly, prodigiously good music have to come out before a golden age is officially proclaimed? animal collective made the best beach boys album since the beach boys made pet sounds, mf doom’s upcoming born like this will make limper simple-simon rhyming emcees cry into their blue bandannas, antony and the johnsons made the album that coney island baby could have sounded like if lou reed hadn’t been too much of an asshole to still be friends with john cale, and the only imperfection about bonnie ‘prince’ billy’s upcoming beware is that emmylou harris doesn’t sing on it. one day they’ll get together and all the world’s birds, babies, harps, rainbows, bongs, penguins and daffodils will congregate around them, the skies will open, and all will be well.

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bonnie ‘prince’ billy ≥ bob dylan ≥ god ≥ clapton

bonnie ‘prince’ billy ≥ bob dylan ≥ god ≥ clapton

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#205: scout niblett (ft. bonnie ‘prince’ billy) - kiss (2007)

writing a really nice song is easy, all you have to do is start off slow and pretty and build up to something grand and enormous and memorable, and also you should throw some strings in there and maybe have will oldham dress up in a crown and skeleton costume and do some harmonies.

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#144: r. kelly - trapped in the closet, chapter 15 (2007)

NOT GUILTY! now i’m going to go celebrate r. kelly’s acquittal the only way i know how: watching the genius episode of trapped in the closet that features bonnie ‘prince’ billy as a mustachioed policeman.

from the wire report: “kelly dabbed his face with a handkerchief and hugged each of his four attorneys after the verdict—not guilty on all 14 counts—was read. the grammy award-winning singer had faced 15 years in prison if convicted.”

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#127: bonnie ‘prince’ billy - lay and love (2006)

my girlfriend just bought me bonnie ‘prince’ billy’s new album, which is the best thing to happen to me since the 1970s. (this video isn’t from the new album, it’s from the last one, but it’s directed by the guys who made wonder showzen, which is good.)

the worst thing to happen to me in decades, on the other hand, is that i basically need to leave my sweet little greenwich village apartment in exactly eight days. so if anyone has any good house-hunting ideas (like a free room somewhere nearby?) please email. bonnie ‘prince’ billy and i will say thanks.

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#40: kanye west - can’t tell me nothing (2008)

any rap video with bonnie “prince” billy in it is A-OK with me.

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#39: bonnie “prince” billy - no more workhorse blues (2004)

the only appropriate thing to do on the day after valentine’s is to listen to will oldham, the hugely balding and massively mustachioed kentucky singer that sometimes goes by bonnie “prince” billy.

the man has a bottle of bad bourbon where his broken heart used to be; he makes the kind of existential country music (“many times we’ve been out drinking/ many times we’ve shared our thoughts/ but did you ever notice the kind of thoughts I got?”) that makes johnny cash look like a smiley lightweight. (in fact, mr. cash covered “i see a darkness” before he died.)

no more workhorse blues is one my favorite will oldham songs, mostly because of the ending, but this harmony korine video is one my least favorite things of all time, mostly because of the editing.

is there anything scarier than being told that will oldham is our favorite horse? yes, and it’s these lyrics: “i am a rich man/ i am a very rich man/ i have good pants on/ stitched and stitched/ i am in stitches/ i am laughing at you.” whoa.

update: that’s smog at the end, right?

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